Going through to the other side.

5 08 2010

Someone said to me the other day that because I am going to be a Dad, it means that I am ‘going through to the other side’, meaning that I will soon forget about how it feels not to be a parent and yet to want it so badly, because I will join the ranks of the privileged.

I am not sure I agree with that statement nor do I think it’s fair.

Whether or not I became a parent, there are bits of the assisted pregnancy process I have forgotten about, unintentionally anyway, but there are huge parts of it that have left me scarred for life.

The pain I felt reminded me of a scene in The Godfather where Al Pacino’s coming out of the opera and an assassin’s bullet misses him but kills his daughter. He stands there, distraught, mouth open, looking up to God, but not a sound comes out of his mouth for what seems an eternity, seemingly as if the pain of what has just happened acts to atone for his sins. Then, in an instant, the pain comes out in a torrent of emotion. We all feel for him.

Well, there’s an element of this in all of us who suffer IVF failure after failure. Even years later, what affected me then can be triggered by other events today. Armchair psychologists tell me I don’t cope with grief very well and that I have many issues to deal with. I don’t think so. In fact, I think I am in touch and in control of my emotions in a way I never was before.

I will never abandon the memories that touch the experiences of assisted reproduction. Too many years and too many tears were expended to forget it so easily. So what I intend to do, once my family is complete, is to donate sperm and help others achieve their dreams. I will also get involved in whatever way I can with fertility pressure groups. I will honour the memory of what I went through by trying to help those who are going through it today.

So, to the arm chair critics and anyone else who believes I am walking away and not dealing with things – I am here to stay, here to help and ready to give.



3 responses

5 08 2010

It’s funny I wrote a very similar comment to what I am about to write on your blog on a friend’s blog just this morning. She too has adopted and posted today about how her IF has left her scarred…

What you have been through becomes a part of who you are. It does leave marks that you carry for the rest of your life. Whether those are scars or beauty marks, only you can truely tell (or maybe the people around you who know you best can tell better). But I do believe that holding your child in your arms will heal you. You MUST allow this healing to take place. Like with physical wounds, healing doesn’t mean that you won’t sometimes feel the pain of the injury or that there won’t be a mark left behind, but healing means that you can move forward and once again suck the joy out of every moment in life.

My wish is that you can find the peace and the healing so you are able to enjoy every moment once you have your child in your arms.

5 08 2010

Thank you so much for those wonderfully deep words. They mean a lot. I know you’re right and I will let it happen. I guess I feel a little trapped, in a kind of emotional limbo land, but when Darcey is born, that will change. I cannot wait to feel that little bundle in my arms, the joy will be immense because I have waited so long.

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