Going through to the other side.

5 08 2010

Someone said to me the other day that because I am going to be a Dad, it means that I am ‘going through to the other side’, meaning that I will soon forget about how it feels not to be a parent and yet to want it so badly, because I will join the ranks of the privileged.

I am not sure I agree with that statement nor do I think it’s fair.

Whether or not I became a parent, there are bits of the assisted pregnancy process I have forgotten about, unintentionally anyway, but there are huge parts of it that have left me scarred for life.

The pain I felt reminded me of a scene in The Godfather where Al Pacino’s coming out of the opera and an assassin’s bullet misses him but kills his daughter. He stands there, distraught, mouth open, looking up to God, but not a sound comes out of his mouth for what seems an eternity, seemingly as if the pain of what has just happened acts to atone for his sins. Then, in an instant, the pain comes out in a torrent of emotion. We all feel for him.

Well, there’s an element of this in all of us who suffer IVF failure after failure. Even years later, what affected me then can be triggered by other events today. Armchair psychologists tell me I don’t cope with grief very well and that I have many issues to deal with. I don’t think so. In fact, I think I am in touch and in control of my emotions in a way I never was before.

I will never abandon the memories that touch the experiences of assisted reproduction. Too many years and too many tears were expended to forget it so easily. So what I intend to do, once my family is complete, is to donate sperm and help others achieve their dreams. I will also get involved in whatever way I can with fertility pressure groups. I will honour the memory of what I went through by trying to help those who are going through it today.

So, to the arm chair critics and anyone else who believes I am walking away and not dealing with things – I am here to stay, here to help and ready to give.

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Approaching your emotions and feelings together

1 07 2010

I received a letter on this blog and replied to the specific points raised. As I did so, I though that a lot of what I was saying could be of value for a general audience. I have re-written my response and hopefully it will add some value to your thinking.

As in all activities where a deep, loving partnership is concerned especially where the emotions are so raw, we all need to cherish that other special person’s contribution, whatever it is. Occasionally, we should all stand back and see things from their perspective. Understanding, patience, consideration, support, tenderness etc goes both ways. Read the rest of this entry »





10 requests to family and friends during IVF

1 07 2010

With IVF and in fact any of the associated trials of assisted parenthood, when everyone knows you’re having problems, families and friends can’t help themselves. They love you, they care, some interfere, some say nothing, some are just silly and some simply couldn’t care less.

Whatever and whoever, we all need to set boundaries to make sure that our pain, anxiety, stress as individuals and as a couple is minimised.

I’ve prepared a list of  10 ‘requests’ to communicate to families and friends so that “you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs.”* Read the rest of this entry »