It’s never far away…

14 07 2012

Alexander David Archer-Page (26 weeks)

So, here we are, blessed again. This is the first time I’ve had the inclination to sit and write about our good fortune, for that is what it is. Alexander is now 30.3 weeks. He’s in the 95th percentile in terms of weight, placing him in the ‘large’ category and Mandy is feeling it, poor girl. It was exactly at this point, 22 months ago that Darcey came into our lives and is going well but is still small – 8.0kgs. However, she’s lively, bright and quite advanced developmentally, ahead of  her non-adjusted age group, when in fact she should be a couple of months behind, so that’s all good.

This week then had a psychological significance and every day that Mandy and Alex can hold on means that he will be safer, stronger and more resilient, whatever happens, but Mandy’s suffering increases.  We survived this week, but we’re taking each days as it comes, not as a given. Alex could arrive at almost any time over the next 10 weeks, if Mandy were to suddenly become ill, as she did with Darcey. Fingers crossed.

So, tonight, it was with sadness that I learnt that one of our friends has been unlucky – her IVF failed. It’s good that she’s talking about it, and actually we’re very pleased she’s talked to us. I remember that people who were expecting babies were the last on the list of people Jo and I wanted to talk to because they’d simply never understand – and in most cases, that would be true. In our case, it simply opens up the old wounds and makes me reflective of how far we’ve come, how lucky I, personally  have been, but what a painful journey I have ridden. It makes me think of Jo, her mum and dad, and how sad they’ve been not having children and grandchildren in their lives because of some unknown physiological condition. I cannot change that, but I can be very grateful for having been given a gift from God, not once, but twice.

But then there’s another friend of ours, whose IVF journey has been so tortuous for her and her husband. She’s gone off air of late, finding it all too hard. Of course, I totally get that. It’s so utterly devastating. It worries me that they, as a couple are not in the same place about this. It harks back to the advice I would always give which is be careful what you wish for and do not let it become all-consuming. At the very least, you, the couple, need to be strong, united and in one place. Ultimately, if one of you is only luke warm about continuing IVF or trying another procedure or process, you stand to place your whole marriage at risk. The marriage and love for each other came first, that, above all else needs to be protected. I pray for our friends, that they will find reconciliation and inner strength to overcome their differences and unite once more.

So here’s the thing. Soon to be a dad of two children, happily married to boot, but feeling terribly unworthy and guilty, because of  all those who have tried to become parents and failed but keep on trying and trying. Those scars I bear are so deep that I guess they will never disappear. From those scars, however, comes empathy, sympathy and understanding – the only support I can offer to those around us who are sad, feeling desolate and angry.

Whatever went before, it’s never far away.





10 requests to family and friends during IVF

1 07 2010

With IVF and in fact any of the associated trials of assisted parenthood, when everyone knows you’re having problems, families and friends can’t help themselves. They love you, they care, some interfere, some say nothing, some are just silly and some simply couldn’t care less.

Whatever and whoever, we all need to set boundaries to make sure that our pain, anxiety, stress as individuals and as a couple is minimised.

I’ve prepared a list of  10 ‘requests’ to communicate to families and friends so that “you can keep your head when all around you are losing theirs.”* Read the rest of this entry »





What about me or is that far too selfish?

27 05 2010

This post is my first and possibly the most emotional one that I will ever write. It is about a subject that is very personal and dear to my heart: denied parenthood and infertility. As a political animal, normally opining about one current affairs event or other, it is as if I have taken off my hat and coat to reveal another side to me. Many who read this won’t be affected, but some will resonate with what I have written. I needed to get this off my chest, to feel catharsis, after so many years of bottling it up inside.

I haven’t described every excruciating, painful detail, indeed much is missing, but I hope my narrow perspective might serve to provide some insight into the dilemmas and extraordinary pressures that childless couples endure. Indeed, if this article provides any insights to help people make a choice or to be more informed, it will have served a proper purpose, rather than a purely selfish design that I set out with to unburden myself of this torment. Read the rest of this entry »